Confession…
I
begged. Cried. Prayed. Wept. Fasted.
Choked down the tears in public all brave like. Even gave up caffeine… He
didn’t budge an inch. And all I ever wanted to be growing up was a wife and a
mother. Was that so hard for Him? He made a virgin girl a mother. Life grew
inside of withered dead wombs when Elizabeth and Sarah gave birth, past the
flower of their youth, as people say. And how about the tons of women who don’t
even want kids who find tiny little fingers curled around their own. Lots of
people have prayed for children and got them.
So what’s the big deal about granting me that request? Wasn’t He the One
responsible for giving me this desire in the first place? If He could just let
me have a miscarriage, so at least I’d have children waiting for me in Heaven.
But He never
did…
Confession. It’s not the first time I’ve ever begged.
It’s happened before. I fell right down on my knees, clutched that pink and
white checkered bedspread, desperate.
Not desperate in Him. I knew He could do it. He could part the sea,
spare people from burning fiery furnaces, raise the dead…ridding me of type-one
diabetes? That’s a drop in the bucket.
There is no known cure, only maintenance, true. But I didn’t want to maintain this for the rest of my
life! Too many struggles. Too many
complications. Too many days of feeling just plain crummy. I’d never heard of
anyone being healed of this pancreatic disease. But God has done lots of
firsts. Imagine the glory that would
come to His name!
But He never
did…
Confession.
There is more begging…Years of fasting over the issue made no difference. Marrying him coincided with God’s plan for my
life, or at least that’s the impression He gave me. “Oh!” I figured it out. God wanted me to be
an object lesson on forgiveness and perseverance in prayer and faith. A
testimony of unconditional love! God wanted to restore our home. Show the
world He can take broken destroyed lives and put them back together. “Ok, I can
do that”, I thought. So I kept begging.
Kept praying. Kept holding out for a
better tomorrow. Kept waiting for God to shake him up real good and bring him
back home to me.
But He never
did…
Confession. The day of the accident. Lot’s of begging that day. Or did I even beg because surely God wouldn’t
even think of taking my dad at this time in my life? He knew I needed him now more than ever. I
begged Him, “Please don’t do this…not now.” Yes, the doctors said it didn’t
look good, but that’s no problem for God.
So I appealed, “Do your thing God. Bring him back to life!” I knew He could do it!
But He never
did…
Confession.
More begging… but this time I can’t share it.
It’s still too tender to the touch.
But I’m guessing you know the outcome.
Yep. He never
did… yet again.
I never got
those things I begged for… I got something else instead.
I watched those words about sufficient grace morph from one-dimensional words on a page into lifelong, daily friend.
The loss that
cries me to sleep at night has become my magic carpet transporting me to more
eternal perspectives. I remember, this world is not my home and something
greater than tomorrow awaits me. One day He’ll wipe every tear and make all
things new! Heaven has become more than just a figment of the imagination. It’s where I long to live and where I want my
treasures stored.
I found a God
who is also a Husband and a Provider and a Lover of my soul.
I resolved,
just recently I might add, that some heartaches will never be explained on this
mortal coil…and that’s ok because God always
knows and will not withhold any good thing from those who walk uprightly.
I met a Friend
that never leaves even when the lights go out and the house is still and empty.
I got an
elevator ride down into the pit of my soul and found some pretty yucky stuff
down there. My gracious Father waited for the go ahead from me to scrape it out
and clean it up.
With each new
begging episode the clearer things become. Weights I didn’t even know I had,
exposed and dealt with; or at least on the radar now! And like a camera, the
world, others and myself zoom into more crystal clear focus. Fret and worry don’t have as much influence
over me. That horrid lists of “to do’s”
and “to don’ts” don’t guilt me to death…as often. Who knew one could live so free and light!
And working for Him? Been replaced! Now I’m walking and working with Him.
