When the Dark Engulfs

The dark engulfs and I wake not sure where I am. My eyes flicker open to see only the milky shadows of night. Panic clamps on my heart like a wrench and my stomach flips like I just dropped on a mountain rollercoaster. It takes a few seconds to get my bearings. Meantime my mind is racing, questioning.  What’s wrong?

I’ve felt like this before, but usually after a few seconds awake I know exactly why.  The days after the car wreck that took my dad and left my mom hanging on to life by a thread.   

The late nights I had no idea where my first husband was…literally.  And other times sensing his soul vanishing even though I could reach out and touch him.

Times when the shards of dashed dreams and a grim tomorrow pricked and startled me awake in the middle of the night. 

It felt like being shoved onto a moving sidewalk surrounded by a sea of people and not able to wiggle my way back to solid ground. I proved helpless as the mechanical walkway rushed me where it willed, away from the safe and familiar. I could do nothing to change the circumstances and yet my life, as I had known it, had changed forever.

But those days are in the past...

I recall. I’m safe in my cozy bed.  The house alarm is engaged.  My family is tucked in with gentle breathing.  Herschel the wonder dog is curled up in the garage enjoying his beauty sleep…so why the panicky fright?

In the present wee hours I sense a shifting… instability of life all around…questions swirling about my corner of the world like a storm brewing in the distance. The freedoms being removed all around us feels like a noose tightening. I’ve read about things like this in other countries. I’ve seen movies and read books about a gradual loss of liberty in the past. But never before have I experienced it as I have in recent months.

I grieve for the generation that has such little regard for anything to do with the One who gave them life. I cry out for those I love who know about Him, and yet seem not to know Him at all.

I watch eyes at the restaurant, in the grocery store, in the church hall, at the ball game.  All beautifully created in God’s image.  All designed for a purpose.  I see eyes of innocents standing alongside hardened, glassy eyes.  I see eyes silently pleading for answers, brimming with hurt and confusion.  There are so many out there who don’t know the One who made them.

It feels too great, too overwhelming.  The grip of sin too tight and the chains too tangled.

So what does one do…turn away from God so as to preserve your comfortable way of life? Give up?  Uh…no.  Those are not options. 

Recently, I heard a Catholic priest sharing his thoughts on John 14. Jesus is talking with his disciples at what would soon be named “the Last Supper”.  Even though the days ahead would be the most difficult days they had ever faced, Jesus told his followers, “Let not your heart be troubled…”

The priest reminded everyone that even when life is in total disarray, it’s possible that things are actually just as they should be.  Gosh darn, I’m thinking I need a new definition of abundant life… Repeatedly in the subsequent verses Jesus encourages them not to be afraid.  His peace is available. 

Yes, I know these verses. I began to quote them letting them seep into the cracks and crevices of my soul.  Slowly my perspective of life transforms. I don’t always understand life, but my heart begins to relax because my Jesus does.  He didn’t tell us not to fear just to make us feel better.  He told us not to fear because we truly don’t need to be afraid.  Obviously, He knows things I haven’t quite grasped. 

It dawns on me. Every time I panic I’ve left out an important part of the equation…God. 

My Father. Creator and King of the Universe.  The One who promised never to leave me nor forsake me and Who has gone ahead to prepare a place for me.  The One who knows the number of hairs on my head, collects my tears in a bottle and has inscribed me on the palm of His hand.  The Author and Finisher of my faith. 

So what does one do in the wee hours of the night when the dark engulfs and fear startles you awake?  You chose to believe the words of Jesus.  You let not your heart be troubled.  You believe in God.  You keep your mind on Him because He promised to keep it in perfect peace. You rest…

Sweet peace to you today ~ Love

Rebecca 

Childless mothering...and its unlikely hero

It’s just in me… I don’t know how or why.  It just is. No doubt it drove my little brother crazy.  After all, one mother is about all a little kid needs, right? I realize that now, but growing up, not so much.  I offered my mothering services often; or should I say I forced them on the poor boy.  Most of the time he tolerated me till he could make a run for it.

But then came the day his grade promoted into my children’s church class. Rarely did Rodney get out of sorts.  That was my job! But the minute he walked in the room, the fear in his big, blue eyes wide without a blink, said it loud and clear, “I WANT MY SISTER!” 

He spotted my blonde bouffant hairdo (Easy to do since I was the only second grader with hair bigger than my head. What can I say? My mom was a hairdresser) and made a beeline for my beehive. My heart skipped a beat. I rarely thought he even liked me, but as he slipped in real close to the empty seat beside me I felt his shoulders relax. Maybe he did need another mother…not forever, just for a moment. I would gladly be that safe place in his scary new world of children’s church.  I could do that and I would!

With all this mothering inside me is it any wonder my destiny included teaching? Students entered my room in all ages, shapes and sizes, all kinds of God-given gifts and dreams; and yes, mountains of fears and hurts.  

Sometimes their lives read like an open book.  Sometimes their hearts resembled a guarded safety deposit box. I’d ask God for insight on how to love and guide them to become everything He meant for them to be. Most of them belonged to a mother, but in those hours away from their homes I could contribute to her mission. I didn’t have all the answers, but I could love and inspire them as His wonderful creation. I could do that and I would!  

My mothering instincts automatically landed my eyes on the disheveled child plopped in the shopping cart in the grocery store line.  The mother was clearly living in some form of survival mode. While she barked out commands to the older children, I made eye contact with the little one coddling a slapped hand for reaching for a cracker.  The toddler peered up sheepishly as if to say, “Are you going to slap me too?” 

I raised my eyebrows and tilted my head staring deep through her sad eyes. I tossed her a smile hoping it would let her know she is adored and beautiful.  I held my breath to see if she’d catch it and send it back.  In an instant, she hurled me a wide toothy grin. She’s got a legal mother, but maybe I could give her a motherly glimpse of mercy. Without a word, perhaps I could hint at grace and love.  I could do that and I would!

Childless mothering has an unlikely hero named Mordecai, the uncle of Queen Ester.  He had to be both father and mother to the girl. The scripture doesn’t tell us if he had a family of his own.  We only know that he accepted the role of parent to his orphaned niece.  No, he wasn’t her biological parent, but he accepted that God had put their paths together.  He could love her, instruct and protect her to the best of his ability.  He could do that and he did. 

I want to be like Mordecai. Originally I so hoped to comfort, encourage and demonstrate God’s love to children of my own.  I pictured birthdays, and the tooth fairy; scrapped knees and bedtime baths and prayers.  I imagined the homemade mother’s day cards accompanied by tiny arms squeezing the breath out of me, and the vase of dandelions perched on my windowsill. First dates and graduations, status as Mother of the Bride and Grandma…

But for some unknown reason that plan didn’t match God’s.  So what did God expect me to do with this ache imbedded deep in my soul: an ache given by the Creator Himself, no less? 

Well, it’s not an easy conclusion on which to settle, definitely meriting more than a sentence explanation. However, it is a simple answer.  

Love the ones God puts in my path.  

Use the nurturing desire God gave me to love the Esters of the world in their moments of motherlessness.  They’re all around us in every church, grocery store, neighborhood and coffee shop.  Sometimes even in our own homes.

I could do that and by God’s grace, I will.

Much Love,

Rebecca 

An Unlikely Mother's Day Miracle

(Hey,aren't all miracles unlikely? Oh never mind the title and just read about the miracle - especially if you read Monday's post)

Hey Everyone ~

So normally I wouldn’t post twice in a week, but I felt impressed to add to Monday’s post.  I so appreciated your feedback. You encourage me and bring tears to my eyes.  You are eloquent and heartfelt in your words J  I thank you!

I used to think, “God, what a miracle it would be if You would let me have a baby!”  I totally believed He could.  If He could make a virgin and an old woman have a baby I knew, regardless of my situation, He could make me have one too.   But now I understand healing and miracles from a different perspective. 

Now I see that healing my soul and giving me pure joy in the life He has chosen for me is the real miracle. 

Never in a million years did I think I could actually be happy without my own children.  But thank God that’s not true!  I am blessed beyond my wildest imaginations.  I look forward to the bouquet of beautiful people I can celebrate on Mother’s Day. 

I am privileged to host my own wonderful Mother and Mother-in-Law.  I thank God for my family and all the amazing people God has added to my life.  He has graced me with many dear friends and neighbors and their children; who feel like family to us. 

To me Mother’s Day is about community and the vital role we all play in each other’s lives. 

Whether you have a traditional Mother’s Day or just use it as an excuse to augment the love you have for the people in your lives, may you all have a blessed Sunday!

That’s all I’ll say for now, but I do hope you’ll come back on Monday to read my thoughts on Childless Mothering.

It may apply to more of you than you think! Young, old, married, single, arms full of children or arms empty.  And you’ll never guess my role model!  Or maybe you can…?  J

Bless!

Rebecca