When the Dark Engulfs

The dark engulfs and I wake not sure where I am. My eyes flicker open to see only the milky shadows of night. Panic clamps on my heart like a wrench and my stomach flips like I just dropped on a mountain rollercoaster. It takes a few seconds to get my bearings. Meantime my mind is racing, questioning.  What’s wrong?

I’ve felt like this before, but usually after a few seconds awake I know exactly why.  The days after the car wreck that took my dad and left my mom hanging on to life by a thread.   

The late nights I had no idea where my first husband was…literally.  And other times sensing his soul vanishing even though I could reach out and touch him.

Times when the shards of dashed dreams and a grim tomorrow pricked and startled me awake in the middle of the night. 

It felt like being shoved onto a moving sidewalk surrounded by a sea of people and not able to wiggle my way back to solid ground. I proved helpless as the mechanical walkway rushed me where it willed, away from the safe and familiar. I could do nothing to change the circumstances and yet my life, as I had known it, had changed forever.

But those days are in the past...

I recall. I’m safe in my cozy bed.  The house alarm is engaged.  My family is tucked in with gentle breathing.  Herschel the wonder dog is curled up in the garage enjoying his beauty sleep…so why the panicky fright?

In the present wee hours I sense a shifting… instability of life all around…questions swirling about my corner of the world like a storm brewing in the distance. The freedoms being removed all around us feels like a noose tightening. I’ve read about things like this in other countries. I’ve seen movies and read books about a gradual loss of liberty in the past. But never before have I experienced it as I have in recent months.

I grieve for the generation that has such little regard for anything to do with the One who gave them life. I cry out for those I love who know about Him, and yet seem not to know Him at all.

I watch eyes at the restaurant, in the grocery store, in the church hall, at the ball game.  All beautifully created in God’s image.  All designed for a purpose.  I see eyes of innocents standing alongside hardened, glassy eyes.  I see eyes silently pleading for answers, brimming with hurt and confusion.  There are so many out there who don’t know the One who made them.

It feels too great, too overwhelming.  The grip of sin too tight and the chains too tangled.

So what does one do…turn away from God so as to preserve your comfortable way of life? Give up?  Uh…no.  Those are not options. 

Recently, I heard a Catholic priest sharing his thoughts on John 14. Jesus is talking with his disciples at what would soon be named “the Last Supper”.  Even though the days ahead would be the most difficult days they had ever faced, Jesus told his followers, “Let not your heart be troubled…”

The priest reminded everyone that even when life is in total disarray, it’s possible that things are actually just as they should be.  Gosh darn, I’m thinking I need a new definition of abundant life… Repeatedly in the subsequent verses Jesus encourages them not to be afraid.  His peace is available. 

Yes, I know these verses. I began to quote them letting them seep into the cracks and crevices of my soul.  Slowly my perspective of life transforms. I don’t always understand life, but my heart begins to relax because my Jesus does.  He didn’t tell us not to fear just to make us feel better.  He told us not to fear because we truly don’t need to be afraid.  Obviously, He knows things I haven’t quite grasped. 

It dawns on me. Every time I panic I’ve left out an important part of the equation…God. 

My Father. Creator and King of the Universe.  The One who promised never to leave me nor forsake me and Who has gone ahead to prepare a place for me.  The One who knows the number of hairs on my head, collects my tears in a bottle and has inscribed me on the palm of His hand.  The Author and Finisher of my faith. 

So what does one do in the wee hours of the night when the dark engulfs and fear startles you awake?  You chose to believe the words of Jesus.  You let not your heart be troubled.  You believe in God.  You keep your mind on Him because He promised to keep it in perfect peace. You rest…

Sweet peace to you today ~ Love

Rebecca