When guilt pursues you like a stalker...

Hi Everyone ~

It’s been raining in my heart this week… and I’ve lost my umbrella.  Don’t feel sorry for me.  The rain is from God. It’s called rebuke. Ugh. Yep.  I’ve been in a holy time-out all week long. 

Every day this week some form of ugly selfishness and pride, of unbelief, of a desperate scramble to the top, of self-reliance has reared its despicable head.

Not pretty.  Not very “child of the King” like.

I just told my accountability group how I wish I could see myself outside myself so I could see my blind spots… Well… God decided to give me a taste. I wanted to spit it out. 

Conflict reigned in my soul. I didn’t realize how accustomed I’d come to the harmony with me myself and I… and God. How I missed it! Peace and joy had long since left the premises, pushed out by my uncontrolled thoughts.  Shame and guilt jumped in their place and pursued me like a stalker. They thundered not only about my sin, but also my failures and inadequacies. I’d been knocked for a loop and couldn’t get a grip.

Even after I *tried to repent I pictured God with a sour look on His face. Irritated with me. Guilt reminded me I should know better. 

I usually look forward to times of solitude and quiet, but not this week.  The heavier the weight of my sin, the busier I wanted to stay.

I’m supposed to sing in a special worship group on Sunday. How could I sing with such a feeling of guilt hanging over me?

The weight of bearing myself, all by myself, choked the life out of me. I needed to slow down and explore these rabid thoughts. It took a while to unravel the jumbled mess, but eventually it hit me. I was living on a false premise.

This belief that God holds a grudge after we’ve confessed our sin is not found in scripture! In fact, the passage I’m memorizing right now says the exact opposite. “He has not dealt with us after our sin nor rewarded us according to our iniquities, for as the heaven is high above the earth so great is his mercy towards them that fear him. As far as the east is from the west so far hath he removed our transgressions from us.” Psalm 103:10-12

As a believer in Christ I am not stuck trying to bear my destructive, exhausting sin. Hallelujah!  I actually have somewhere else for it to go!  Jesus bore all of it for me on the cross. What an awful experience He accepted on my behalf. He became sin, who knew no sin that I might be made righteous. If I’ll humble myself and admit I need His cleansing I don’t have to walk in defeat and failure. 

Yes, I’ve done wrong.  Yes, my heart can be a mess.  But I thank Him a million times that He’s not willing to leave me as I am! Trusting in Christ, my sins are G-O-N-E gone!

Guilt and shame are not welcomed in my heart.  I choose victory and the purity of the cross! Ah! What do people do who don’t know Him?

Can’t wait to sing to Him on Sunday!

Live free and light today ~ Love

Rebecca

* Interesting phrase “tried to repent”. Just to be clear. There is no such thing as trying to repent, but that’s what it felt like. True repentance does not fail, regardless of how we feel. “If we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive us…cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”